Coachee: I am always searching the understanding of others

A kind of mirror

The good thing about mirrors is that they reflect your outer appearance directly when you have a look into them. It shows if your today’s hair is in an anarchic or orderly mood, if the skirt fits you or not. But the bad thing about mirrors is that they unlike in the fairy tale Snow White don’t take any responsibility to reflect your personality. Otherwise, we could be so clear about ourselves! And check daily how high the levels of joy or anger are, if thoughts are pure or not… But if there is no mirror, how can we perceive the reflections about ourselves, to gain clarity who we actually are. 

What helps is the fact that we are mere mirrors of others. How well did I start to understand other people by accepting that their complains about me being selfish, merciless, not cooperative, not understanding were a simple description of themselves and what their personalities subconsciously lacked. For example, if they showed jealousy towards me and my friends, it nothing but reflected their deep fears to lose in me their best friend or life partner.

Now this made me think after the last talk with my coach – do I do the same? Do I search in other people for reflections of myself?

It is the understanding. The quest for understanding, isn’t it? Chungmei recently pointed out so clearly that obviously I am always searching the understanding of others. My expectation usually is to find understanding for my problems, character, and peculiarities in others. There are so many people in my life from whom I don’t feel understood. My parents. My brother. My former boyfriend. A close friend of me who cannot deal with my occasional volcanic eruptions of sadness and tears. A potential life partner who misunderstood my leg-pulling efforts meeting his friends and felt hurt in his ego…

I could tell of countless experiences. But I guess the point I want to make has become clear – it is all about “misunderstandings”, a common word in my everyday life. And didn’t I feel so often hurt because I had the impression that someone didn’t fulfill my expectations, didn’t understand me like I wanted him to do?

My coach insists again and again that I should first understand myself better instead of looking for the understanding of others. I need to take time, to digest the mountain of emotions accumulated in the past, to pick up all the energies. I shall focus on who I am, how I WANT to feel. And I should get rid of my childhood family shit. And only then everything else will come, like love, life-partner, an appropriate job where I might feel well with…

Understanding oneself starts in having clarity about oneself. One step is knowing your personal goals. So I will right now sit down and think about them until the next session starts.

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