Can I determine my own life?

Who is in charge??!!

Can I determine my own life? Or am I just a kind of victim of the circumstances? Western liberal thoughts tell us that we are responsible for our fate and life ourselves. But what is in our hands and not? Sometimes it depends on our frame of mind how it reveals itself to us.

In our last session, after a break of some months, for the final time, my coach tried to set my frame of mind into a different direction than the usual one! So again I had a chance to create the mental map of life, visualizing the actors and situations…

Chungmei asked what would preoccupy me still now, after this long summer break. Well, people can last quite long in your memory, not ready to leave the space they occupy… My bosses… my former boyfriend… some other friends with whom I had some small problems over the summer…

Most of the hour I spent with eyes closed. Not like the other times when I saw into the eyes of Chungmei. This time, I had to focus – who was in which distance towards me positioned in which direction? And how did I wanna change this? Where did I imagine those people?!

I had done this practice before. It took some courage to go into it. But this time, I managed very confident, and very quickly. “It is my boss who is out of the circle!” I said, my former boyfriend banned too! Never ever I wanted to see or hear or feel them again. They were out of my imaginary circle!

But two other people were not out – my parents! I just thought of them so much, I wished they would be so close to me! I imagined them there, besides me, knowing that the only way to achieve this in reality would be to compromise so much. As they were just themselves. No one was about to council or coach them. They had their own rhythm, their own ideas of life. It is just left to me to
accept it.

This is the bridge from imagination to reality, from will to compromise. However much I love them, it won’t change the love they will feel towards me. And there is nothing left to accept it. It is a mixture of desperation and being ready to accept the things as they are. The best chance of any world! A new kind of realism. Which will work out perhaps in the long term!

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