Shame: my mother is a narcissist

Recently I guided a session with a 48-year lady. She has followed my work for three years and finally decided to go for it. During this first session there was stress, sadness, laughter and shame. Especially shame, because she felt very uncomfortable talking about herself, her roots, her decision making. This was all rooted in a nasty relationship with her narcissistic mother. All this understanding from her side for her sick mother has nearly come to an end.

Nearly, because she is sick of it all, but still not completely with her mother. A big part of her is protecting her mother from blame, sadness, anger and disappointment. She doesn’t want to hurt her mother, but meanwhile she is the one who is hurt by the cruel and harsh depictions of herself by her mother and in addition her sister is standing on her mothers side. She knows that her mother always plays her cards in a way that she will suffer from it, but it’s just not who she is to say a definite “goodbye” to this relationship. So, let’s park this.

What she is facing right now is being tired of the negative hectic atmosphere at work, a husband who is burnout since last Spring and taking care of both her daughter and her husband and the household. There is a lot to reflect upon and a lot to process.

​​​​​​​For more information about narcissism take a look at the video’s of Vivian McGrath. 

With Com-Passion,
Chungmei Cheng

HSP Coach & Rebirther
My website & lifework: Orchid of Life HSP Coaching & Rebirthing 

 

About the 3 hour rebirthing session

There are a lot of things that get me going. One of them is today’s 3 hour rebirthing session in which a client connected to her inner child.

The child who hid her emotions for many years. The child who was raised by parents who weren’t able to give emotional guidance. The child who was frightened, sad and angry. The child who was finally able to cry passionately.

The adults body was shakened up by releasing all tension, cramps and itching by tears and trembling. After the 4th physical and emotional wave the client’s mind was clearer and eyesight was broader. Still laying on the air matress she spreaded her arms and said: I’ve grown.

It’s all about finding the calm in the chaos. That’s exactly the moment I suggest a double/ 3 hour rebirthing session. (Double, because most sessions I guide are coaching & rebirthing sessions of 1.5 hour)

The moment I invite someone for a 3 hour session is when I’ve noticed the following:

🌿 Client speaks more freely about emotional conflicts and especially mentions loyalty conflicts with parents/ family;

🌿 Client sees images of childhood memories during the breathing session;

🌿 Client is able to breath through the feeling of fear and thoughts out of fear during a breathing session;

🌿 Client experiences all types of physical symptoms in between the sessions. Emotional/energetic layers have been peelt of. For example: itching is an expression of unconsciously repressed anger;

🌿 Client opens up in written reflections by e-mail. Writing from the core pain and limiting thoughts and behaviour;

🌿 Client chose to be guided and is motivated to release him or herself from emotional burden and energetic blockages in the mind, body and soul to feel who he/she is. And the person desires to act out of love, joy and inspiration.

When the emotional chaos is at its highest calm is around the corner if you are willing to breath through it. Connect with your inner child 💚

With Com-Passion,
Chungmei Cheng

HSP Coach & Rebirther
My website & lifework: Orchid of Life HSP Coaching & Rebirthing 

#rebirthing #breathwork #healing #innerchildwork #emotionalgrowth #hsp #highlysensitiveperson #highlygifted #TheHague and beyond

Experience positive changes in your life

“Inhale with the motivation that you want to live, that you want to experience positive changes in your life.”

This is what I told a client during his first rebirthing session because he came across moments in his life that he wanted to stop living. The amount of sadness was unbearable. Out of self-protection he thought: when I’m gone I won’t feel any of the sadness I’ve caused. But somewhere deep within he knew this wasn’t true.

And now he is here, in my coaching and rebirthing practice after years of struggeling; nasty divorce including the lives of four children and a series of lawsuits. After having read everything he wanted to know about personal development he had to acknowledge that he needed help, he needed healing.

In front of me was sitting a highly sensitive and highly gifted man. He is in pain. The pain has surfaced during the last 11 years, because of main life events, but was already present in his childhood. The fear of failure is noticable in many areas of his life. He longs for change. Positive changes. He has learned to give love, but never experienced to receive love.

To prepare him for the rebirthing/ breathing session I told him to surrender and not to expect anything. To surrender to the physical expressions of his body. He is a man who mostly lives in his head because of fear, but also because he is naturally curious, a thinker and someone who wants to solve everything by his own. The breathing session would help him to connect his head to his heart.

During his first rebirthing session he felt a tingling sensation in his arms and on his chest. He also experienced a lot of tension in his face to the amount that he couldn’t speak freely. Furthermore there was tension released in his neck after having focused on the thought “I accept myself fully”.

When you focus on the positive and act out of love you will “massage” the pain out of your system.

It was a great first session! Looking forward to the following rebirthing sessions.

Do you long for positive developments in your life? Book your introduction session: Orchid of Life HSP Coaching & Rebirthing in The Hague and via video calling

For more on my work, please hop on my website:
Orchid of Life HSP Coaching & Rebirthing

Warm regards,
Chungmei Cheng

Rebirthing: free yourself from fears

This quote is especially for the people who are already familiar with my work as a rebirther.

“Everytime we sit (breath) through an urgency barrier we get a fantastic realization of self, and learn more about the subconscious program that is controlling us.” ~ Leonard Orr

During the rebirthing process you have come across these “urgency barriers”. It’s when you:

• start yawning

• fall asleep

• wanting to move away from the physical expressions that have surfaced such as cramp and restlessness in legs and arms or huge amount of tension in the face

• thinking you can’t do this

• thinking it won’t help you any further

• doubting if you are breathing in the right way

• seeing images and feeling the urge to talk about it

• fear of what comes next, of the unknown

When these urgency barriers pop up I will guide you through it so you can experience how it feels like to live in a body and mind which has released physical and mental tensions.

You will experience more calmness in your body and more piece of mind. During the breathing process I tell people that every achievement they experience on the mat will somehow be reflected in their daily lives.

Imagine how it will feel like when you conquer your fears bit by bit! That’s amazing, that’s powerful and liberating.

A toast to you, my beautiful highly sensitive friends, for being courageous enough to step into this emotional development process in order to experience life as it should be. A life in which you feel relaxed, have much more positive thoughts than negative ones and feel the confidence to start new relationships and enhance the ones you have.

Would you like to read more about rebirthing? Click here…

Are you interested in starting rebirthing sessions? See my website for more information: www.orchidoflife.nl 

Warm regards,
Chungmei Cheng
HSP Coach & Rebirther

HSP Coaching: get to know your inner life

Recently I spoke to a highly sensitive lady and she said: ‘Don’t tell me to do a daily meditation or mindfulness. This doesn’t work for me. I have tried so many different forms of personal development. Now I want to feel a change.’

What she first needed was to understand how she came to see herself as a highly sensitive introvert and how essential it was for her to go her own way instead of searching for her mother’s approval and understanding. (Almost on a daily basis)

As a kid she grew up with a little sister who turned into a troublemaker. (And not for no reason) She was the bigger sister and did all she could to be of no trouble at all to her mother. When they spoke they mostly spoke about their family situation. Her innerlife was intertwined with her mom’s innerlife. She grew up by keeping her mouth shut about how she felt. Instead she focussed on her schoolwork.

She could’t be more motivated because after the introduction session she started practising immediately. Instead of discussing her inner life with her mom she talked to her boyfriend and a good friend. She said: ‘It wasn’t as satisfying as talking to my mom, because she is the one who understands me best. But I know it’s good for me. I don’t want to depend on her opinion.’

She felt a change. She felt stronger from within, but also dealt with guilt. It was still kind of awkward, but she was still motivated.

And no, I won’t tell her to do meditation if that doesn’t work for her. What works for her was putting her new found insights about herself into practice.

If this sounds like a I-want-to-feel-better-about-myself-plan to you, just send me an e-mail to book your introduction session or follow-up session.

Warm regards,

Chungmei: orchidoflife@gmail.com

#hsp #highsensitivity #lifecoaching #rebirthing #breaththerapy #videoskype #skypecoaching #skype #facetime #TheHague and beyond

When life gives you lemons…

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I love this phrase. This phrase contains sadness and happiness. It directs the reader to make something fun out of something sad. In some strange way this phrase led me to some of the rebirthing sessions I’ve guided this week via video skype.

While this lady over fifty was crying her heart out over not even feeling she has a choice in different situations, she suddenly burst into laughter. Laughter changed into crying again. I was looking at my screen, a bit in doubt, because I wondered if she was laughing or crying. She cleared my doubt by sharing she was laughing. I commented that laughter heals, she totally agreed. I forgot to ask why she started laughing in the first place.

Another lady in her thirties started and finished the session off with laughter. In between she cried her heart and eyes out. She was able to direct her anger towards her parents in stead of down talking herself over and over again. She let out this destructive energy by stamping her feet, throwing her arms around, screaming the hell out of her and jumping up and down.

And this mixture of laughing and crying showed me these ladies were making lemonade. It shows a huge strength when you’re able to laugh when you’re feeling completely miserable.

The lemons given to the highly sensitive people I guide are diverse:

  • Being brought up by parents who are not able to communicate about emotions,
  • Being fired away as a kid by an angry and dominant parent,
  • Too be sensitive is to be weird, dreamy, a crybaby, shy, fearful, anti-social in the eyes of others,
  • Because of childhood trauma’s still living out of fear, anger, sadness, shame and guilt as an adult,
  • Growing up in an environment in which natural born talents were not seen nor stimulated,
  • Living up to parent’s expectations in stead of discovering your own path in life.

It’s up to you to make lemonade out of these lemons. It’s not easy, but it is sure doable. And you will finally fully enjoy your home-made lemonade!

Choosing to emotionally develop takes you to different surprising tastes of lemonade:

  • Embracing your highly sensitive self; yes, you are spontaneous, yes you are quirky, yes you are dreamy, yes you are a “mind & heart”-reader, yes you are attentive to the needs of others, yes you are creative, yes you are … (fill in the blanks yourself),
  • Attracting jobs, relationship(s) and friends which and who resonate with your soul,
  • Feeling safe, loved and appreciated on a daily basis; from self-love comes greatness,
  • More physical and mental energy to do the things you like,
  • Able to choose easily for the situations in which you will thrive and easily turning down the proposals which will drain your energy level,
  • Living your own path and feeling natural self-confident about the steps you take.

If you’re interested in finding out what life coaching and rebirthing can bring you, I invite you to make an appointment for an introduction session, either in my coaching practice in The Hague or via video skype. Click here to read more about the introduction session. 

Si no sientes, no vives

Siente la vida

Hace poco empecé a hacer trayectos de coaching en Español. Aquí abajo lees la reflexión de una mujer que necesitaba compartir sus preocupaciones, dolor y objetivos.

‘Las sensaciones que me quedaron después de esta sesión son las de mucho dolor acumulado a lo largo de los años. Ese dolor proviene de diferentes causas, tales como una ruptura sentimental, la decepción de alguna amistad y también provocado por mi forma de ser, es decir, porque soy una persona que siempre está atenta con los demás, que estoy acostumbrada a dar mucho y a recibir poco y todo eso junto ha provocado en mi persona un agotamiento físico y psíquico.

Por otro lado, cuando hicimos el ejercicio de ponerme a mi en un escenario recordando la ruptura sentimental, como ya te dije, no me gusta verme así. En aquella época yo estaba muy triste y sinceramente, pensaba que se iba a acabar el mundo para mi. Por ese motivo, como ahora empiezo a sentirme triste y no quiero volver a vivir todas aquellas cosas, quiero expresar como siento y quiero ser sincera conmigo porque en aquella época no quise reconocer mi estado anímico (de tristeza) y en la actualidad, si que lo reconozco, precisamente porque quiero encontrar una solución.

Yo siempre digo que para poder superar las situaciones difíciles o las situaciones que nos duelen, lo primero de todo es reconocerlas y a partir de ese momento es cuando puedes empezar a mirar hacia adelante. Precisamente, yo ahora me encuentro en esa fase de haber reconocido como me siento y estoy intentado volver a encontrarme como persona.’

Break the cage and fly

Happiness

Another blog about my man Arnold Baldé. The day that he would perform at Spoken FM he got disappointed at first. The presenter of the event announced on stage that only three people were chosen to perform that evening. Something inside of him snapped. He worked hard to write the poem he wanted to perform. The nerves were cracking him up and there was a big chance he couldn’t share his message. He got to a point he wanted to go home; tired and suffering this enormous headache. A friend who accompanied him to the event kept cool and pushed him in the right direction. Arnold asked the presenter if he was one of the three. No, he wasn’t. He simply said: ‘I would like to get up on the stage anyway.’ This resulted in an open mic at the end. He did it. I’m so proud of him. He is so proud of himself. Even though his energy was super low, he has accomplished something of huge importance; sharing his message, his word, his love. His words are my wings.

Click here to read the poem ‘Break the cage’ 

It is an excellent basement you helped me to anchor

anchor
Of the impossibility of building a house starting with the roof

Chungmei, no, I am not lazy! I am just afraid to write a summary about the past months… Because it is strenuous! Every time you asked to me to write a reflection I had to touch the thoughts of past pain so directly, without any filtering.

Since we met again after years, since you started to coach me, I have been in so many roles: a whole- day-socializing-me, a hopeless loser, the owner of a permanent ticket for the emotional rollercoaster, a tissue which is cheap to get but of superb value, a naysayer, a bullied child, a person demanding understanding of others and a dreamer to change reality.

But after all, after all your “treatment” – is really something different now? 

Well, people change their character, outfit and personality all the time. Even pain either slowly quits the mind or becomes a routine to feel. Now, in my case, I am still socializing a lot. But yes, I do take a lot of time for myself! I tell people online so often nowadays – sorry, I am busy, I can’t chat with you right now… And I focus on work instead. I don’t waste my energy anymore with useless people who just want to exploit me with their moodiness… Moreover, I don’t think I am such a big loser anymore. Just a small loser. And according to some people, a cute loser. No, don’t demand of me so soon to forget my former pretentious “life-partner” – his actions and those of his followers struck me so hard, it engraved itself so deeply into my mind, as it had changed my life so profoundly, and from the happy medium self-confident person I used to be I turned into someone still doubting about being able to work as a scientist after all.

Recently, I was in El Salvador to hold a talk in Spanish. Fully paid. During that week, my former professor in journalism offered me a PhD position back in Germany. A full scholarship! Am I not lucky? Didn’t I finally get what I wanted, after 4 years of struggling for it? After being bullied and being unexpectedly unemployed for so long? I finally would have the chance to combine practical journalism work with scientific investigation. But yes, I am not happy inside. I can’t make out the joy and the passion deep within me I used to have in moments like that years back. Because I still feel so bad about how those friends of my former boyfriend call me names behind my back STILL! Because this really still happens and they tell so cheap things about me, and the real bad thing is that people believe them!

What should I do then? Correct me, if I am wrong. I guess I should feel my core self more. The circle exercises you have done with me inspired me indeed. The imaginative exercises, even though I partially felt like needing a nap immediately afterwards because I felt so much exhausted from feeling too much.

This is what helped me most. And this is where many psychologists simply fail. I am tired of analyzing my self. Somehow it feels like it keeps me away from life, from feeling the vibrating pulse of my surroundings. You followed a different approach, the one of making my emotional world tangible. I like that, as it shows me that there can be more than just my circulating negative thinking patterns. It made me understand that I might have the chance to determine part of my life myself…! Still it takes time for me to trust into my capacity to change reality. Yes, it is all in my mind…

I liked very much the non-cognitive approach where you focused as well on my emotional side. Because I am not someone who can just manage his emotions by the thoughts. I understood only now that I am hyper-sensitive being which means that I perceive anything more intensely than the average person on this planet. Which is a gift for creativity but as well a curse as it comes to emotional turbulences so quickly by overstimulation. I know how hard it is for me to regulate those emotions, I know now that many people just don’t have the capacity to understand how intense my emotions can become. Therefore, I learned from you that I need to protect myself from it. And there is no discussion about it.

Yes, during the last months, I found a job, I found a really nice flat mate, additionally, a good friend is now staying with me for a month and we both understand well, I found so many nice new friends, and perhaps there is even someone to share my life with soon. But it will take time to feel the real enjoyment about it. It is an excellent basement you helped me to anchor – but I am still away from reaching the roof. Knowing what is behind me and supposing what is still ahead of me.

Can I determine my own life?

Who is in charge??!!

Can I determine my own life? Or am I just a kind of victim of the circumstances? Western liberal thoughts tell us that we are responsible for our fate and life ourselves. But what is in our hands and not? Sometimes it depends on our frame of mind how it reveals itself to us.

In our last session, after a break of some months, for the final time, my coach tried to set my frame of mind into a different direction than the usual one! So again I had a chance to create the mental map of life, visualizing the actors and situations…

Chungmei asked what would preoccupy me still now, after this long summer break. Well, people can last quite long in your memory, not ready to leave the space they occupy… My bosses… my former boyfriend… some other friends with whom I had some small problems over the summer…

Most of the hour I spent with eyes closed. Not like the other times when I saw into the eyes of Chungmei. This time, I had to focus – who was in which distance towards me positioned in which direction? And how did I wanna change this? Where did I imagine those people?!

I had done this practice before. It took some courage to go into it. But this time, I managed very confident, and very quickly. “It is my boss who is out of the circle!” I said, my former boyfriend banned too! Never ever I wanted to see or hear or feel them again. They were out of my imaginary circle!

But two other people were not out – my parents! I just thought of them so much, I wished they would be so close to me! I imagined them there, besides me, knowing that the only way to achieve this in reality would be to compromise so much. As they were just themselves. No one was about to council or coach them. They had their own rhythm, their own ideas of life. It is just left to me to
accept it.

This is the bridge from imagination to reality, from will to compromise. However much I love them, it won’t change the love they will feel towards me. And there is nothing left to accept it. It is a mixture of desperation and being ready to accept the things as they are. The best chance of any world! A new kind of realism. Which will work out perhaps in the long term!