Life Coaching: guiding intuitively towards the core of the pain

kitten water

Most of the sessions I guide take place during the mornings. This means I have time in the afternoon to write the coachingreports and e-mail coachees of the previous days. On a busy day my afternoons are also filled with people coming by. In this case sometimes I will finish some work in the evenings or leave it for the next day.

When I coach I am like a channel through which all emotions flow. Intuitively I guide people towards the core of their pain. In some cases the life stories are extremely painful. Channeling the emotions during the sessions wouldn’t be enough to have them not effect me. In these cases I write detailed coachingreports to empty my head, soul and body. It keeps me fit and clear minded.

From the first session onwards, the introduction session, the people I coach receive an e-mail after the session. In this e-mail I put a short summary of the points discussed, homework and the confirmation of the next appointment. For example, below a summary of the points discussed:

We have spoken about the following points:

  • You chose to not follow through with the job offer in Hong Kong,
  • At your trip your sleep was disturbed by thoughts about your life; what steps to take,
  • You are applying for other jobs,
  • Moving to another place would be an option after you and your husband have been contracted at a new company/job,
  • Changing from a negative worldview to a positive one with regards to having children; you’re still thinking about having children in the near future.

Many people come in with a practical coaching question such as: ‘I’ve had a burnout, I would like to get back my energy’, ‘I would like to get better at giving presentations in front of a big group’ or ‘I am bored at my work, how to change career?’. Their questions always end up with sharing their live stories, the stories which had a big negative impact on their selfesteem and identity. Being exposed to awful and painful stories is a big part of my job or better put; my life mission. While coaching and following people’s emotional development I get in return cheerful, smiling and strong willed people. Guiding people to live a happier and peaceful life is most rewarding to me. This is definitely how I will live and work my whole life: freeing people from their fears, anger and sadness. It cleares the path to a life based on inner knowing, trust and truth. And this is possible for everyone.

For more information about my work, visit my website Orchid of Life ~ Life Coaching

 

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Moving abroad for a couple of years

ginger juices

A dear friend of mine came over to see me in The Hague. I wasn’t expecting her to tell us that she would move to London next year. Her husband got offered a job and they are in the midst of settling an arrangement to move their family including two little kids to London for three years. This has been their dream for many years and they didn’t think a chance like this would come by any time soon. Truth need to be told that she had kept this a secret for me for some months, because they wanted to be sure before sharing this huge news with friends. I was left in shock.

Why? And why so soon? The first emotion that popped up was that I would miss her. That all would be different, even though we have already struggled with meeting up while both living in the Netherlands. Straight after she had told me I opened up to what I was feeling, tears came rolling down my face. She embraced me and I just let it go. To be honest, I am proud to share that I was able to open to all my emotions and thoughts. When I look back at the times I have done this I am sure this started happening from this year onwards. It feels like I have been through a miraculous shift when it comes down to showing my tears to family and friends. I feel comfortable and safe in doing so.

From the moment she lives in London I imagine we would become more efficient in scheduling our get-to-gathers. Perhaps we will start using facetime or videoskype. Many people I know use these means of communication to stay in touch. Like having breakfast on a Sunday morning in ones kitchen while seeing and talking to family in Switserland. Actually I don’t want to think about this future scenery anymore, because I prefer having my friends living around the corner. Even though I would like to have more contact with my friends abroad I tend to keep in touch for a couple of times a year and be so, so very happy when I actually see them.

Of course I haven’t cried all the while she was visiting. Tears and laughter in my life are like two hands holding each other in good and bad times. I took her to the Hague city centre to discover a healthy juice and lunch café named Fine Fresh Food. Their vegan brownie and the savoury juice I tried was splendid. Furthermore we discussed our work and initiatives we are exploring in the field of psychology and lifecoaching.

Oh, I forget to mention one little detail, a few days before she came I literally thought to myself ‘Would I like to live abroad for a couple of years?’. I was surprised by this thought, because it came out of nowhere. On top of this at the beginning of this week our daughter told us she wants to go to England to speak English. Most likely we had a hunch of this message coming our way. I told my quite down-to-earth friend about our presentiments. She laughed and took it lightly. Life is about sharing right? There is no distance in time and space.

Coachee: I managed to say at least once “NO!!!”

no

Me, the utmost loser.

This time, I know for sure that my coach will call me nothing but a “LOSER”!! Why all that… I was so much sure in the last session that I am a loser in life. No partner, no job, no future prospects, no family, but in a perfect late age to settle. Feeling betrayed for four years of life – just because a problematic highly complicated boyfriend cheated on me. He pretended long enough to be serious about the relationship. Well, to see, how all your friends seem to be happy with long-term partners, getting children, following a career… and you seem to be the only one who is left, who cannot even manage to start a new phase in life, of founding a family, of simply finding the right guy for it – this is hard. So I basically felt like a lost person in this world.

But being called a “loser” by someone else, not myself…? That seems so strange!! Chungmei’s warning was of course not meant that seriously. I just happened to have been so busy during the week before the session that my homework, an internet research about intercultural training agencies, suffered totally. However, those who did not suffer were my friends… I had always time for them. Now, the problem with living in Berlin is, you can practically socialize 24 hours a day. There are so many interesting people and friends out on the street, and even if they are not, there are still your friends on Skype and Facebook, covering the whole planet from India to Montreal.

With this whole-day-socializing-Me, she was right to say “stop” directly into my face. Yes, I do a lot for my friends – but what do I do for myself, she asked. And my coach mentioned that I am too much ready to accept asymmetries in social relations in the sense of giving much more than others do, up to 200 % and even more. That made me feel like a tissue – cheap to get but of superb value!

Unfortunately, this combination of nice & helpful is truly dangerous because it can be exploited too easily. Therefore, she told me clearly that my next task would be – to take care of myself and practicing saying NO…. Means NO to friends when I don’t feel like going out; NO to people appreciating my services too much. How did I perform then? I managed to say at least once “NO!!!” to a friend who wanted to convince me to go out for dinner, in his area of course, which meant a lot of time to travel for me. But I didn’t manage to say “NO!!” to another friend whose nerve got stuck in his back, and barely being able to move, he called me for a helping hand. That’s why I again write my blog reflection in the last moment, deep in the night, like I write most of my applications. At least I am perfect in working up to the deadline!! My life seems so exciting. Like a soap opera, it contains new episodes full of surprising coincidences each week. Only, that besides this episodic stuff rather few things work out for me with a long-term prospect. Luckily, my coach brings up this painful subject again and again. So no chance to escape but just to work on it. Let’s see how my efforts of NOing will work out in the future…

After the session I felt left behind with some serious tasks forcing me to take care just of my own life. I sensed again motivation inside myself. But before anything else, for a while I just sat and enjoyed the warm sunny day. I thought back of the many smiles I exchanged during the coaching session with my so much positive opposite. Chungmei always has one special sentence for me, and hopefully it might even anchor in my mind: “That what you do, Antje – you do it for yourself!!”

Nothing is moving forward, change is so dificult

Nothing is moving forward, change is so difficult! Those thoughts seemed to be so deeply engraved into my mind when I talked to the last time to my coach that I found myself completely hopeless and felt a moment of regret for her.

We didn’t talk for long. The summer she did what she had previously recommended to me – focusing on herself. While I did, what I shouldn’t do – focusing on anyone but me. Trying to repair broken friendships, trying to forget guys whom I liked or even loved but who were not interested to be a friend or partner to me, trying to cope with the ego issues of some chauvinistic men. Not being able to work because this all disturbed me mentally so much. But did really “nothing” happen?

Well, if you just see the routine of your daily life you neglect your own moments of success, as rare as they might be. I got a job contract though it is only for some month, with really nice colleagues. I managed to solve the issue with my parents, another topic I was talking about with Chungmei for long. I found myself a fantastic socializing person even among Germans during the marriage of my brother which was another very happy and pleasing event. I distanced myself not from all the complicated friends I know but from those ones who had not been good for my personal well-being. And I got to know so many people during the past days, good people, not the ones who pretend to be good and just turn out to be “friends of need” who throw you away in the end when they got what they wanted.

One thing indeed is different. I might not feel totally happy, but I do feel more stabile inside. A very small center of balanced gravity found its way alive. What will finally come out of it, I don’t know, but I do not care much about this currently, as it “just feels good”. I learned a lot about myself, about my special way to be, as a member of the human minority population which is hypersensitive. I spent hours to convince ignorant friends that hypersensitivity (hsp) indeed exists and that people with this phenomenon face so much different personal challenges in life than others.

Finding a center of gravity inside oneself is really a pleasure because it gives way to develop inner strength. I am looking forward to taste more of it…

Coaching: working on a positive attitude

My experience with coachees is that most people do have some kind of idea about what they want in life, but they don’t know how to get there.

1. Finetuning personal goals
During the first session we talk about these ideas on work, love relationship and other wishes regarding their personal development. Like I said, most people have some kind of idea about what they want in life, but when they find themselves talking to a coach they actually finetune what they want. For example: I want a job which will match my studies, knowledge and job experience. We can finetune this goal into: I want a job in which I can mainly work with people away from the desk. I am a real people person. We can then add this to the previous goal and we get a much clearer idea of where we should head to.

2.  Identity coaching: who are you? 
After having set out the personal goals of the coaching traject we really start talking about how you can get there. To get there you need yourself! What do I mean by this? You need to know what your skills are, what you are capable of doing, what your strong and weak points are and how you can put your skills out there to get what you want. Most of the time I come in (into your life) as a coach to broaden and deepen your view on yourself as a person and on life. There are different coaching ways to get out there what you’re good at.

3. Changing mood: get positive and focused
Further down the road: there is no need to talk any further about what you want in life if you’re mentally not ready to think about those stuff. So first of all, I will get you through your world of limiting beliefs. When thinking back on a session I believe the most important thing in which I succeeded during this session was changing the mood of the coachee. At start the coachee was really sad; eyes were hanging, radiation a bit greyish and tone-of-voice was empty. After around 15 minutes I started provoking. From that moment onwards the coachee’s mood became more and more positive; laughing, stronger non-verbal communication, more strength in tone-of-voice and even joking around.

And when you feel in the mood again we get back on the tracks you have chosen to be.

If you repeat an action it becomes true or manifest

love

When I met Chungmei again for my first session, we hadn’t seen for years. One wonderful day I added her on Facebook and we got in touch again. The timing was a total coincidence, but it was about the right moment. Between us, there was a distance of 1000 kilometers which we covered easily via Skype. When I started to talk to her I quickly got caught by her positive energy, and her very open attitude towards life and the experiences of people.

To me, that felt like a memory of a long gone time. The negative thoughts were never that strong in me as now, as many annoying things had happened in my life. I think everyone feels down at one time or the other. But what if you feel that much down that you slowly start to forget about the positives, and how it feels to feel positively… I feel completely out of control to successfully organize my future, be it in job, career or partnership. That is the situation in which Chungmei has offered her help to me.

I am curious to see what she would do. I know she has a different approach towards helping people. A very positive one. One of the things she mentions very quickly during the talk is the spiral of negative emotions. “If you repeat an action it becomes true or manifest”, she says. And yes, I am aware how often I came back to the same negative thoughts, not helping me to change even a bit of my situation but finally just ending up in complaining about the conditions I am in. My coach listens to me a lot and gives suggestions what to do. I am kind of empty inside, so there should be a huge amount of space to be filled up. What really annoys me is a good question as it can help me to focus on the real cause to get over.

Chungmei suggests that I should emphasize my positive qualities and skills. I even get a homework for doing this! So I am writing down what comes into my mind, all the qualities I can think of! Slowly the paper is filling… I note down my values… fairness, tolerance, harmony… and surely I will forget some of them, or I won’t realize that some values and features of me are a good quality which can be very helpful in my personal or professional life. If I see them clearly they might become even more true. However, I have the strong impression that other people don’t see or realize it. Perhaps Chungmei might give me some idea in what way I can make them clearer to other people. And how better to use them in my life for myself, focusing on it and making me overcome all the hindrances I am facing now…

Coachee Shenin: It was time for me!

happy

I AM ME AND…………….AND I AM HAPPY

September 2008 I decided it was time for ME. Time to get to know the real me, to reveal the real me and most important to be happy about me. To accomplish these “easy” tasks I decided to talk to Chungmei.

Who was I when I started my coaching sessions……………………

I was 28 years old, living in Amsterdam. I had a great job at a big international company, which came with a company car. When it came down to career planning I was very confident, I knew exactly what I wanted and how to accomplish my goals. However my confidence level on the social front was totally opposite. I had been single for almost 4 years, after being hurt and humiliated by my ex-boyfriend. Even though he broke my heart and was the cause of me losing faith in men, I was still having sex with him for a long time after the break-up. Please don’t ask me why! In the meantime I was also looking for Mr. Perfect…..Tall, black and handsome, ambitious, thoughtful, funny, romantic, between 30-35 has his own car, doesn’t live with his mom and to complete this not very demanding listJ. I am so not ready for kids so looking for a childless man.

All in all I wanted to become more confident and to be able to express my emotions more easily. In various coaching sessions we have gone through different coachingtechniques and I always went home with homework. Chungmei and I talked about the definition of my “dream life”, how to deal with having too high expectations. In which settings I am most happy. She gave me assignments like telling my cousin that I love her and that I will always be there for her. I mustn’t assume that she knows and take her for granted. She gave me advice on how I could get a better emotional connection with my mom. Months went by and I saw myself opening up, becoming more confident and just feeling happier about myself. I guess other people saw this to. During this time I met a nice man. I can say he is my ideal man. “What did I say again in the beginning my ideal man was; Tall, black, Handsome and between 30-35yrs…………….Well my hubby now is White, 43 and does everything on his bike. He has two children a 16-year old son and a 10-year old daughter. He’s sexy, thoughtful, we laugh a lot together. I can always count on him. He has beautiful blue eyes and he has a genuine kind smile.

I am in a very good place now. Very happy about ME and therefore able to be happy with somebody else.

Thank you Chungmei

Interested in Love Coaching? E-mail orchidoflife@gmail.com to make an appointment.
Kind regards, Chungmei Cheng